The Art of Kissing

Q: I’m always hearing that sex with disability is a chance to find out that there is much more to enjoy than intercourse. OK, intercourse is not an option for me. So what are all of these great alternatives that I’m supposed to be enjoying?

A: Well that is a topic that would take up volumes, but I’m still so glad you asked, because it gives me the chance to write about my favorite topic: kissing.

This is a vastly—and criminally—undervalued activity. It’s anything but “just foreplay.” It can be intensely erotic and arousing, and it can go way beyond “putting your lips together and blow” (as Lauren Bacall said to Humphrey Bogart) if you let it. Especially if genital stimulation doesn’t offer you much in the way of sensation, or if it’s just too physically exhausting, don’t assume that kissing is just an hors d’oeuvre. Make it the main course!

Most sexual encounters—especially involving genital intercourse as the main focus—last for under a half hour, or less! Kissing—especially when you let it start to wander to other parts of the body—can last for a lot longer than that.

So here’s a little primer on kissing technique. This is just one scenario for how to make the most of those delicious lips and tongues. Remember that great sex is always about creativity and variety, so think principles here. It’s not a step by step instruction manual, and need I say that brushing your teeth is a good place to start? You might want to keep a glass of water on hand, too.

So get those lips good and wet, now. This is going to be fun.

Relax and let the first kisses be gentle and cottony soft. Arousal doesn’t happen naturally if you’re physically or emotionally tense or in a rush, so starting easy actually opens up the potential for your sensual response. These first kisses are a chance to breathe and let go, to align yourselves with each other by sharing this heightened focus on subtlety. They won’t be gentle and soft if either one of you isn’t paying attention. Go slow, trusting that things will build naturally from there and get very, very hot soon enough.

Go easy on the tongue in the beginning. It’s really not very sexy to just start thrusting it into your partner’s mouth (unless you’re already so hot for each other you just can’t wait!). Maybe you help wet your lips together a bit, and enjoy the light touch of the tips of your tongues, making it easier for your mouths to slide around, which adds to the sweet sensations of these very sensitive erogenous zones. If you feel your teeth starting to press through your lips at this point, back off the pressure. Feel how wonderfully soft your lips are by keeping it light.

The process will start to naturally open up and get more varied. Explore the incredible range of soft, hard, fast slow, moving or holding still, opening the mouth just a bit or wide. The process evolves by itself when you stay in sync with each other. It’s like a dance—you can sense whether your partner is going with you, and you can give each other little clues about where to go next. Trade the lead and Do Sa Do with your mouths!

Don’t be shy about that tongue. See how far you can extend it. No, it’s not gross—sucking tongue is a blast! Some people have more capacity to reach their tongue toward their partner than others, and part of the trick is to keep it relaxed. If you’re on the receiving end, don’t suck too hard—that can really hurt! Let them intertwine, roll around themselves, come and go. There’s loads of variety here.
Since the lips are so extremely sensitive, it feels great to have them gently licked. Try asking your partner to relax their lips, and run your tongue gently across the top or bottom, or make your tongue broad and soft and lick across their whole mouth. Then have them return the favor. The tongue has loads of nerve endings, too. Stimulate every one of them. Yummy!

The very emotional quality of the kisses change with what your arms and hands do. One of the sweetest things you can do is to lovingly place a hand on your lover’s cheek while you kiss them. Let your hands rove, let your arms wrap around each other, hold your bodies close, caress each other, run fingertips down your partner’s back or arm—but don’t get too distracted from what your lips and tongue are up to. That’s where the main action is!

I strongly advise against the “press and smack” approach to kissing. It’s fun in a silly moment, but on the whole kisses should last a good, long time. Every once in a while you’ll fall into a kiss that can just linger on and on and on while you also feel your bodies touch, your arms wrap, your breath release, allowing the natural sighs that arise in truly sensual moments. Don’t let these moments pass by too quickly! Some people report having peak moments with kissing that they would describe as orgasmic.

Of course, you don’t need to stay on the lips. Travel around the face, to the cheeks, the space just under the ears, behind the ears, the ears themselves. (If you like a tongue on your ear, keep some cotton swabs handy.) Trace the line of their jaw, using a variety of kissing with your lips, gentle gliding of the tongue, or combinations thereof. Make sure you check in back at your mouths from time to time.

And what the hell, put that mouth and tongue on any part of the body you can get to—which obviously can include some pretty sensitive places like the nipples and genitals, depending on whatever levels of sensation you have. Make it a whole body experience.

Once in a while you might even stop and just look into each other’s eyes. We tend to close our eyes while we kiss because we’re so close we’d have to go cross-eyed to look at each other! So pull back a bit while you’re still touching, and make contact through the eyes—the windows to the soul. Hey, you might even talk to each other a little bit. And then kiss some more. Lots more!

Kissing models the very essence of sensuality and intimacy—sometimes it’s shared, sometimes you’re just giving or receiving, but no matter what, you’re in a private, beautiful, intimate space together, allowing passions to rise, and feeling that astounding suite of sensations that our bodies are capable of—even if you can only feel your head and your shoulders.

Kissing is way more than an appetizer. It can be the main course—and certainly a continuing presence during any lovemaking activity. In my view, it is a criminally under-appreciated activity!

I hope that gives you a few ideas. For starters.